


The Society of Relatives of People Who Wish to Date the Professor; or, Sylvain's Terrible, Awful, No-Good, Very Bad Year

by Chrysanthos



Series: Dumb Three Houses Crack [3]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Relationships, F/M, Gender-Neutral My Unit | Byleth, M/M, Multi, None of the pairings are the main focus, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 09:22:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20598437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrysanthos/pseuds/Chrysanthos
Summary: Thunder flashed outside the tower, rain falling extremely hard. As cliche as Sylvain could admit it, it was a dark and stormy night - especially since he was facing down his brother, Miklan.Sylvain met Miklan's glower with a hard stare of his own, and a fireball sprang to life in Sylvain's hand as easy as it was to breathe.And then Professor Byleth said something truly bizarre.They had stepped right up, in front of the entire army, and said, in their deadpan way, "No, Milkan, don't use the Lance of Ruin and denigrate, you're so sexy, haha."





	The Society of Relatives of People Who Wish to Date the Professor; or, Sylvain's Terrible, Awful, No-Good, Very Bad Year

It started with a mission. Or, rather, the tail-end of a mission.

Thunder flashed outside the tower, rain falling extremely hard. As cliche as Sylvain could admit it, it was a dark and stormy night - especially since he was facing down his brother, Miklan.

Sylvain met Miklan's glower with a hard stare of his own, and a fireball sprang to life in Sylvain's hand as easy as it was to breathe.

And then Professor Byleth said something truly bizarre.

They had stepped right up, in front of the entire army, and said, in their deadpan way, "No, Milkan, don't use the Lance of Ruin and denigrate, you're so sexy, haha."

All that anyone could hear was the rolling thunder outside. Everyone had been shocked silent by the professor's incredibly blunt style of flirting, which had absolutely come out of nowhere at the most inopportune of times, and in the most unsexy tone possible, in Sylvain's opinion.

Obviously, it wasn't, in Miklan's opinion, as he immediately lit up like a candle and, throwing down the Lance of Ruin, pointed at Professor Byleth. "Are YOU the one who's been sending me those letters and sexy drawings?!" He screamed accusingly, and Gilbert began to choke on nothing, "What the fuck are _you_ doing here?!"

What followed was an extremely odd back and forth, where Miklan was screaming at Professor Byleth for, apparently, seducing Miklan with, of all things, _erotic drawings_ of Professor Byleth and _Seteth_, of all people, in incredibly compromising positions. Professor Byleth pointed out how Miklan had made a wood carving of his own penis in response to one particular picture of Professor Byleth and _Jeritza_ (to which Mercedes made an incredibly distressed noise).

So Sylvain was both not and very surprised when Miklan bounded across the room and tackled Professor Byleth into a wall, furiously making out with them.

This went on for several minutes that felt like hours, at which point Dimitri uncomfortably coughed and reminded everyone that they were here to arrest Miklan.

* * *

Sylvain couldn't believe that Miklan was just... Living at Garreg Mach now. Sure, they avoided each other like the plague, and Miklan was more of a prisoner than an actual resident, but he just... Wandered around now.

But that wasn't the most bizarre of the series of unfortunate events. No, that came about two weeks later, when Mercedes and Flayn pulled him aside.

Sylvain considered his options, and then stated, "Ladies, I'm not going to have a threesome with you. Mercedes, I respect you too much, and Flayn, you're sort of breaking your brother's restraining order by being near me, so, it's like..."

"This isn't about that," Mercedes said.

"Indeed," Flayn agreed, "My brother has no bearing on who I can or cannot date."

"This isn't about that, either," Mercedes said, "This is about Professor Byleth."

"Is it about how they apparently seduced Miklan?" Sylvain summarized, "Gotta admit, it was weird, and I don't know how to feel about Miklan being around, but at least no one important died, right?"

"It's not that," Mercedes stopped, then sighed, "Well, it's related to that - it's just-"

"I have caught Professor Byleth and Seteth kissing many times since they have arrived," Flayn revealed, "And Mercedes believes that they are doing the same with her brother, Emile."

Sylvain blinked, and thought back. "Emile... von Bartels? What is _he_ doing here? Scratch that, _when_ did he get here?"

Mercedes sighed, "I was _hoping_ not to say anything, just in case I was wrong, but... I think Jeritza von Hrym is actually my sweet baby brother, Emile."

Sylvain blinked. "Damn, that's kinda rough." He commiserated.

"It is," Mercedes agreed, "So you understand why I worry about the professor wanting to date him."

"And... What are we going to do?" Sylvain asked.

"We are going to start a support group," Flayn revealed, "For people whose relatives the professor is attempting to date."

"...And... That's a wide category?" Sylvain tilted his head in confusion.

"Tell me, what do you know about Holst Goneril?" Mercedes asked sweetly.

"Hilda's brother?" Sylvain responded, "Tall and strong, good at everything, a real family man, kinda pretty, oh goddess the professor's going to try and seduce him."

"And Duke Fraldarius?"

"Well, far be it from me to talk about how hot my best friend's dad is, but in all honestly, he's pretty hot, in a 'lion painting' kind of way. _Seiros_, he's just Professor Byleth's type."

"And Randolph von Bergliez?"

"The general from the Empire, right? I don't know a lot about him 'cause Caspar never talks about him, but I've definitely seen him once or twice at official balls, and... _Oh_."

"So you see," Flayn solemnly nodded, "Why we must create the Society of Relatives of People Who Wish to Date the Professor."

"...So, that's the name?" Sylvain asked. "I'm in, one way or another, but like. You couldn't choose a less wordy name?"

"It's the only one we could think of," Mercedes revealed.

* * *

The purpose of SRPWWDP (Sylvain could not get them to change the name) was, ostensibly, to act as a support group, but really, it was just a loose system of people who otherwise had very little in common. Sylvain could count the number of times he and Hilda had actually talked on one hand, and he didn't think he had seen Mercedes and Felix ever interact positively at all, much less Flayn and Caspar. Still, the six of them were bound by the worst camaraderie there could be.

Being technical in-laws by virtue of their professor dating their loved ones.

"This sucks," Felix eloquated one day as Hilda was painting his toenails.

"I dunno," Caspar replied, looking up from his job of painting Mercedes' nails, "I think I'm doing pretty good?"

"Not you, although you're doing pretty bad anyways," Felix replied, "I'm talking about the professor dating my dad."

Flayn hummed as she tossed a plum into the air in an attempt to slice it in half with a sword (her success rate had been steadily improving). "I am more than surprised that my brother is allowing these shenanigans to happen. I have never seen him so... _soft_, before."

"Me neither," Mercedes agreed, "I think they're doing wonders for Emile's mood, but it's sort of... Unnerving, I suppose? Am I being a terrible big sister for thinking that?"

"You can't be worse than Miklan," Sylvain said, filing his nails. Suddenly, a door flew open.

"Hey guys!" Annette called into the room, "Ingrid told me you'd all be in here, and I want to join your club!"

"No," Felix immediately replied.

"Oh?" Mercedes ignored Felix, "Are you sure, Annette? Your mother hasn't come around to visit, has she?"

"Nah, she's busy running House Dominic," Annette shrugged, "I'm talking about Gilbert - I overheard him telling the professor that he's my father."

"Damn," Sylvain frowned, "So I can't date you?"

"This is serious, Sylvain!" Annette moaned, "I overheard him say that, and then he _complimented_ Professor Byleth on their new glasses!"

"So?"

"My _mom_ wears glasses."

No one spoke.

"Welcome to the club." Flayn said with a sort of solemnity that could only be brought upon by centuries of consecutive funerals.

Annette sighed and sat down in a nearby chair. "So, can I talk to you guys about my dad?"

"Actually, speaking of dads, I just had the worst thought," Sylvain spoke up.

"You think?" Hilda teased him.

"Shut up. Anyways, we all know about King Lambert?"

"The boar's father, go on."

"Well, I'll be the first to admit that he's... Kind of how I knew I was into guys."

"Sylvain," Mercedes frowned.

"It was _after_ the tragedy!" Sylvain defended himself.

"Dude, somehow that's worse," Caspar pointed out.

"Listen," Sylvain said, frustrated, "If I could figure it out, who's to say what will happen once Professor Byleth happens to stumble upon a portrait of King Lambert?"

Everyone gave each other alarmed looks.

* * *

"_And so,_" Flayn read aloud from a parchment scroll, "_I hereby induct you, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd, into the Society of Relatives of People Who Wish to Date the Professor as an honorary member._" Everyone sitting at the table clapped (well, Felix scoffed) as Flayn sat down and gave Dimitri the floor.

Dimitri looked at everyone as the applause (and jeers) died down. "I don't know what's going on." He said.

**Author's Note:**

> galaxy brain: thembo byleth


End file.
